My Next List of Failures

Here it is, welcome to my pity party part II. My next list of fails with absolutely zero successes in over ten years. Either I'm a fool, don't know what I'm doing, or don't know how to quit. The viscous cycle continues. I try over and over again to peruse my passion but regardless of what I do, failure is routine and systematic. Life pushes and demands me to stay at a minimum wage job, even with a degree. By nature it seems fate is rigged. Money to me now seems to scream necessity at my very survival more than ever. I pray to God but it seems my prayers never reach heaven; that to it seems I fail. On the brighter side,  I'm please to see people that care, despite my controversies and losses, try to help wishing to see me succeed. Although I listen and plan, there is no way I can explain the hurricane of feelings I carry deep inside my very soul. The feeling of uselessness and passing of age looms over me like a devastating dark cloud. Is it because of a dark period in history or is it a curse given to me by my ancestors of a person I know little of? For a fact it's extremely devastating to watch those that had so much faith in you loose their faith over time. Like a painting that eventually fades or the leaves of trees that fall because of the seasons. There has been so much time lost, so much loss of sleep, and so much energy burned. I sacrificed much of my social life and neglected completely sources of news and entertainments. Overwhelmed by anxiety, I sadly present my new list of failures:

Tried to make an app and a game online.
I have taken an entire month for the development of an app and a game using online resources which connects me to people around the world. Unfortunately, it seems if money and contracts aren't involved there is no motivation to continue the project. Royalty is never the best way to keep people motivated to complete even the most simple of game ideas.

Tried to make my own game with unreal editor.
After global game jam 2016, I was still very motivated after partially creating a playable game. I had done work nonstop pushing myself beyond any physical exhaustion limit I had ever experienced; however, after four weeks of development, I found myself unable to complete my project due to skill set limitations, visual scripting bugs, and execution and compatibility issues. Although I'm still proud of what I had accomplished, there was no way I could complete even the most simplest of game ideas.

Tried to complete an old game I use to work on.
Having done more research, I discovered a new logic for completing code on an older project. Unfortunately, this created even more bugs and issues, even more than before. I encountered a bug so grant, it crashes the game and i have no clue where to look for the bug and to find out where this crash is coming from. Growing frustrated I put the project aside once more.

Let it rain resumes.
I have spend more than a week redesigning a new resume. I spend two entire days sending them out to game companies throughout the web hoping to get a phone call or email. Either I am the king of bad luck, my skills are by far the worst, or that i am of relatively no use. I better start learning how to make a bed with leaves, because my likeliness of getting hired seems to be as likely as finding a billion dollars on the side of road.

Hosted a crowdfunding to travel to a career job.
Along with sending resume's, I thought I could avoid trying to get hired at a minimum wage job by hosting my own crowd funding campaign. I found a qualifiable level design position I recently discovered in Austin that I felt I couldn't pass up. I created a crowdfunding page but have encountered a huge problem because I need a working cell phone in order to obtain donations. This is where I got stuck and I'm currently trying to resolve. If I do get pass this problem I am also under the impression it's going to fail because it's a spontaneous shot in the dark, but we'll see.

I want to create opportunity.
I had the thought that if I couldn't get a job in a game company that I should make one of my own. I ran a small campaign emailing large companies about how to go about finding or if they offered any programs for funding a game, I also I spent 8 full hours making a videogame related video that turned out to be one of the best videos I had ever done, and I also made a power-point presentation of my strategy on how I wanted to go about creating a game company in Houston entirely from scratch. I soon encountered the disinterest from the emailed game companies and a unfortunate urgencies at home, being we're about to move again, I think I shouldn't proceed with the idea as I would only embarrass myself even more, further preventing my chances of possibly getting a job in my career and taking from the little self-esteem I have shrinking by the millisecond. I think I'm getting to the point where I rather try and climb the ranks to $15 an hour in a minimum wage job I can care less in at the age of 30 and try to live on my own in a miserable environment I most likely can't get out of.

Tried YouTube
Had an idea to create compilations of great moments in VRChat, but after six long episodes, it never took off.

Tried hosting a Kickstarter for not only a game idea, but also to make a complete startup game company of my own. After eight months of development and a month of waiting, it wasn't successful. I'm not sure what could ensure the success of future crowdfundings if I had to do everything by myself again.