Why the sad feels? It’s how I’m expressing a dyeing passion for
the dreams I once carried. I guess this is me telling myself the need to be honest with
myself and move on with life. It’s true that I gave up on the journey before
the journey ever began. I’m sure I’m not the first. Once the word gets around
to friends and family, I’m sure I’ll be met with the disappointing comforts to
which I find myself accepting and accustomed to. I think the reasons why I had
given up seem legitable, at least for the moment. In essence, this is me moving
on with my life from doing what I always wanted to do since middle school,
high school, and even after graduating college. Either I’m foolish and talking
out of my @ss, there’s too much people already in the industry, or that my lack
of experience or attaining greater skills or talent makes me undesirable in the industry.
Since this is my own wake-up call, I guess there’s nothing more to do than to
continue my life taking another path to find happiness and usefulness. Now, I’m
faced with the reality of having a degree and two certificates that are
relatively pointless aside from proving I have college experience. Well, maybe
that’s not all true. The degree I have received is a good reminded of my
passions, goals, and desires in life and how it symbolizes an achievement I worked
so hard and long to obtain. I will definitely frame it and hang it on my wall one
day and reflect on the college days as being some of the most rewarding and
best times of my life. However, as of now, I will seek to find a regular job
and save money to create the capital needed for the ideas I wish to implement and
carry out perhaps many years from now. I find reality to be unfair and cruel. I
guess it’s how we deal with it that makes us who we are.
I recently talked to a friend of mine who is a veteran in
the industry. He use to make games but now stays home with his family. He told
me about how the industry has changed in the past couple years. When he first
entered the industry the main focus was trying new things that would make the
game fun, he says now it’s about monetization. He thinks the industry doesn’t
reflect the needs of developers anymore. I don’t know about that, perhaps it’s
affecting my judgment, but being hit with the idea that my talents weren’t
proven or good enough compared to those desired, seems to hit me really hard,
but that’s not why I quit looking for a job in the game industry. I quit
because I have no more motivation, encouragement, or even desire to make games
than I once had. Nothing really appeals to me aside from JRPGs and many
Japanese games. Without question, I enjoy playing every game I pick up, but for
some reason I have no desire to work on most of the titles that come from US
publishers. Either I’m turning into some sort of indie game hipster, growing
older, or I guess I’m looking for motivation to go where the new and exciting innovation
is at. I also don’t have any funding to go to Austin or any other place to get
hired by a game company. I’m dead broke, lacking in years of having a job, and
still living with my parents. The little money I do make here and there is
insignificant. I think it’s common sense to try my best and move out on my own
and find my own new path to happiness and virtue. For this I have no other
choice than to find any job so that I can and save money. I know it’s only been
a month since I finished college, but I feel like it has already been ages. I
feel scared to start life at the bottom because I have seen so many people
struggling to make ends meet. As much as I want to be someone important and
credited for something amazing, I guess some of us are simply meant to be unknown
faces in society. There’s always that part of me that says perhaps I shouldn’t
look at life like this. That I suppose I should look at life uniquely. Maybe it’s
best or wise to live within my means and strive to do great things with what I currently
and gratefully have. Although my ambition to enter the career that I love has
died, I will have to do my best to working hard to achieve my dream that one
day I will bring my creations and fictional world to life; if not dye trying.
(Lol) My computer is at the verge of crashing, not that I will
have much need of it. I’ll probably have to buy a new one eventually. Oh well,
I guess I will start life, as a 27 year old graduate with no longer any career
options, nor girlfriend, in hopes of traveling the world and saving ever penny
to launch the nearing one hundred of original game ideas, many business plans, and
various charity ideas I have accumulated over the years that I think could dramatically
impact the world. Life would seem pointless to me if I hadn’t been able to execute
a single one of my ideas due to financial reasons. That would be a tragic
irony. I suppose this is the nature of living in todays world. Some dreams are
best kept as dreams I suppose.
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