A Vicious Cycle

It's been almost two months now and I still can't find a job as a game designer. I believe either the industry maybe bloated with two many game designers or it could also be that my skill as a game designer simply isn't good enough. In either case, I still dislike the idea to settle at a lower wage or in my only case minimum wage job, a job which is also ridiculously competitive now-a-days, when I know my worth and rather make money for myself as an entrepreneur or contribute to projects and efforts that are more useful to the world and humanity. Therefore, instead of wasting my life working in an endless cycle hoping and struggling to achieve a better life, which seemingly now-a-days rarely happens, I will place my efforts where I can make the most difference. Therefore, I have decided that I should go volunteer overseas. Money isn't important to me if I can have a substitute or find an alternative to living conditions.

If I may rant, I feel unfortunate to be living in the world of today where life feels more like a struggle to what I perceive to be caused by political control. Opportunity feels as if they are restricted to licences, regulations, education requirements, experience requirements, and perhaps heavy financial requirements. Personally, I feel the need to live with no burdens, stress, with the idea that I can easily pay off something, feel unique in what I am achieving or working towards, and can maintain a high value of personal self-esteem and personal growth. I would also personally like to live with a minimal amount of monthly expenses and live comfortably, live in a secure location, have flexibility with time to do my own side projects, find value to what I am working towards and not feel like working for a very long time to achieve so little, feel as if going nowhere and treated as another number or lifeless drone. I find that by working to pay off rent, a car, or something other that is expensive, I would feel as if I'll be entering a lifeless zombie-like nature to where I have to work to live and not live to work. I see it pointless to throw my life away and waste the precious time in my life simply to make a living and help make a corporation wealthy. I also find it pointless to see everyone around me struggling and complaining how their life is unfair, unhappy, going nowhere, or stuck in a vicious cycle. I don't feel like competing in a system where it seems unfair and that everyone does the same thing and goes nowhere. I find it ridiculous to think that welfare seems to have more to offer than working now-a-days. I personally see this as a systemic failure. Nonetheless, I refuse to use the money another person has worked hard for to my own comfort living. It seems I have no other choise than to either exploit legal loopholes in the system or find my own unique path in life, because I believe living honestly seems to be more destructive than constructive. I await the day where intelligence, honesty, more freedom, and personal prosperity returns as a priority in today's system of living, where people have more choises to choose how to live, and what they want to live for. Until then, I see the nation as a very grey and gloomy place to live. Perhaps in the future I will have the ability to do what I would like without any political and financial restraint, where common sense and intelligence returns to the foreground of a system that allows for a functional and prosperous living. 

The Beta-Mind and Chi Gong (Qi Gong)

The "beta-mind" is what I like to call a deeper way of thinking. A relaxed state to which one can think extremely clear and even be able to analyze a thought from many angles and perspectives. By becoming deep in thought, I naturally found myself in what Buddhists consider reaching an "enlightened state". I don't really completely believe in meditation or anything of that nature but but I feel interested in saying perhaps I found enlightenment on my own, possibly through a means of what appears to be in a state of meditation or deep way thinking. I did some research and after learning about Buddha's harsh road to enlightenment, I found myself understanding practices in which i believe to become even deeper in thought through conventional meditation. I have my own comfortable way of meditation without the use of being in an average meditation pose, i feel as if I can reach this beta mind state simply by relaxing,  thinking about it and trying to replicate the feeling of previous experiences, and  accepting anything that can affect me in the moment ( anything that uncomforts me is useful to achieve this feeling). In conclusion, the mind is truly a mystery even if completely analyzed by science. I think it's important for science to see that it's not the brain but the content or functionality it holds.

My scientific or rather mystical analysis of reaching this state is as followed:

Meditation: feeling every sense of your body, pushing past all feelings and accepting them. Moving past and accepting ever discomfort of pain and irritation, let yourself get sleepy in an uncomfortable position. Accept this uncomfortable position. Absorb your thoughts, clear the mind. If done correctly, you will soon find yourself naturally not wanting to move and perhaps become sleepy. Now you will be in deep meditation. That is when the adventure or the cinema of the mind begins.

When finished, breath slowly and slowly bring your mind back. Now it should feel certain your mind is relaxed at peace, and can think beyond clearly. You'll find the more you practice (which requires very little practice) you can enter this what I consider "Beta-mind" state, or state feeling, even when doing daily activates.

Chi Gong: I'm not an expert or anything but I found you can next practice Chi gong which makes the body feel very relaxed. It is also said you can harness chi/ki/chakra/ lifeforce energy (if you believe in that stuff).To do chi gong, I relate to doing simple physical exscerisezes in a slow forward motion. To do this, feel the energy and gravity distribution by simple movements of the muscles throughout your body. The burn is supposedly part of using your chi energy. Supposedly, one can harness or use their energy by doing this practice in a specific fluid forward pattern way.

My crushed dreams. It’s time to get back to reality and the "real world".

Why the sad feels? It’s how I’m expressing a dyeing passion for the dreams I once carried. I guess this is me telling myself the need to be honest with myself and move on with life. It’s true that I gave up on the journey before the journey ever began. I’m sure I’m not the first. Once the word gets around to friends and family, I’m sure I’ll be met with the disappointing comforts to which I find myself accepting and accustomed to. I think the reasons why I had given up seem legitable, at least for the moment. In essence, this is me moving on with my life from doing what I always wanted to do since middle school, high school, and even after graduating college. Either I’m foolish and talking out of my @ss, there’s too much people already in the industry, or that my lack of experience or attaining greater skills or talent makes me undesirable in the industry. Since this is my own wake-up call, I guess there’s nothing more to do than to continue my life taking another path to find happiness and usefulness. Now, I’m faced with the reality of having a degree and two certificates that are relatively pointless aside from proving I have college experience. Well, maybe that’s not all true. The degree I have received is a good reminded of my passions, goals, and desires in life and how it symbolizes an achievement I worked so hard and long to obtain. I will definitely frame it and hang it on my wall one day and reflect on the college days as being some of the most rewarding and best times of my life. However, as of now, I will seek to find a regular job and save money to create the capital needed for the ideas I wish to implement and carry out perhaps many years from now. I find reality to be unfair and cruel. I guess it’s how we deal with it that makes us who we are.

I recently talked to a friend of mine who is a veteran in the industry. He use to make games but now stays home with his family. He told me about how the industry has changed in the past couple years. When he first entered the industry the main focus was trying new things that would make the game fun, he says now it’s about monetization. He thinks the industry doesn’t reflect the needs of developers anymore. I don’t know about that, perhaps it’s affecting my judgment, but being hit with the idea that my talents weren’t proven or good enough compared to those desired, seems to hit me really hard, but that’s not why I quit looking for a job in the game industry. I quit because I have no more motivation, encouragement, or even desire to make games than I once had. Nothing really appeals to me aside from JRPGs and many Japanese games. Without question, I enjoy playing every game I pick up, but for some reason I have no desire to work on most of the titles that come from US publishers. Either I’m turning into some sort of indie game hipster, growing older, or I guess I’m looking for motivation to go where the new and exciting innovation is at. I also don’t have any funding to go to Austin or any other place to get hired by a game company. I’m dead broke, lacking in years of having a job, and still living with my parents. The little money I do make here and there is insignificant. I think it’s common sense to try my best and move out on my own and find my own new path to happiness and virtue. For this I have no other choice than to find any job so that I can and save money. I know it’s only been a month since I finished college, but I feel like it has already been ages. I feel scared to start life at the bottom because I have seen so many people struggling to make ends meet. As much as I want to be someone important and credited for something amazing, I guess some of us are simply meant to be unknown faces in society. There’s always that part of me that says perhaps I shouldn’t look at life like this. That I suppose I should look at life uniquely. Maybe it’s best or wise to live within my means and strive to do great things with what I currently and gratefully have. Although my ambition to enter the career that I love has died, I will have to do my best to working hard to achieve my dream that one day I will bring my creations and fictional world to life; if not dye trying.  

(Lol) My computer is at the verge of crashing, not that I will have much need of it. I’ll probably have to buy a new one eventually. Oh well, I guess I will start life, as a 27 year old graduate with no longer any career options, nor girlfriend, in hopes of traveling the world and saving ever penny to launch the nearing one hundred of original game ideas, many business plans, and various charity ideas I have accumulated over the years that I think could dramatically impact the world. Life would seem pointless to me if I hadn’t been able to execute a single one of my ideas due to financial reasons. That would be a tragic irony. I suppose this is the nature of living in todays world. Some dreams are best kept as dreams I suppose.