My Next List of Failures

Here it is, welcome to my pity party part II. My next list of fails with absolutely zero successes in over ten years. Either I'm a fool, don't know what I'm doing, or don't know how to quit. The viscous cycle continues. I try over and over again to peruse my passion but regardless of what I do, failure is routine and systematic. Life pushes and demands me to stay at a minimum wage job, even with a degree. By nature it seems fate is rigged. Money to me now seems to scream necessity at my very survival more than ever. I pray to God but it seems my prayers never reach heaven; that to it seems I fail. On the brighter side,  I'm please to see people that care, despite my controversies and losses, try to help wishing to see me succeed. Although I listen and plan, there is no way I can explain the hurricane of feelings I carry deep inside my very soul. The feeling of uselessness and passing of age looms over me like a devastating dark cloud. Is it because of a dark period in history or is it a curse given to me by my ancestors of a person I know little of? For a fact it's extremely devastating to watch those that had so much faith in you loose their faith over time. Like a painting that eventually fades or the leaves of trees that fall because of the seasons. There has been so much time lost, so much loss of sleep, and so much energy burned. I sacrificed much of my social life and neglected completely sources of news and entertainments. Overwhelmed by anxiety, I sadly present my new list of failures:

Tried to make an app and a game online.
I have taken an entire month for the development of an app and a game using online resources which connects me to people around the world. Unfortunately, it seems if money and contracts aren't involved there is no motivation to continue the project. Royalty is never the best way to keep people motivated to complete even the most simple of game ideas.

Tried to make my own game with unreal editor.
After global game jam 2016, I was still very motivated after partially creating a playable game. I had done work nonstop pushing myself beyond any physical exhaustion limit I had ever experienced; however, after four weeks of development, I found myself unable to complete my project due to skill set limitations, visual scripting bugs, and execution and compatibility issues. Although I'm still proud of what I had accomplished, there was no way I could complete even the most simplest of game ideas.

Tried to complete an old game I use to work on.
Having done more research, I discovered a new logic for completing code on an older project. Unfortunately, this created even more bugs and issues, even more than before. I encountered a bug so grant, it crashes the game and i have no clue where to look for the bug and to find out where this crash is coming from. Growing frustrated I put the project aside once more.

Let it rain resumes.
I have spend more than a week redesigning a new resume. I spend two entire days sending them out to game companies throughout the web hoping to get a phone call or email. Either I am the king of bad luck, my skills are by far the worst, or that i am of relatively no use. I better start learning how to make a bed with leaves, because my likeliness of getting hired seems to be as likely as finding a billion dollars on the side of road.

Hosted a crowdfunding to travel to a career job.
Along with sending resume's, I thought I could avoid trying to get hired at a minimum wage job by hosting my own crowd funding campaign. I found a qualifiable level design position I recently discovered in Austin that I felt I couldn't pass up. I created a crowdfunding page but have encountered a huge problem because I need a working cell phone in order to obtain donations. This is where I got stuck and I'm currently trying to resolve. If I do get pass this problem I am also under the impression it's going to fail because it's a spontaneous shot in the dark, but we'll see.

I want to create opportunity.
I had the thought that if I couldn't get a job in a game company that I should make one of my own. I ran a small campaign emailing large companies about how to go about finding or if they offered any programs for funding a game, I also I spent 8 full hours making a videogame related video that turned out to be one of the best videos I had ever done, and I also made a power-point presentation of my strategy on how I wanted to go about creating a game company in Houston entirely from scratch. I soon encountered the disinterest from the emailed game companies and a unfortunate urgencies at home, being we're about to move again, I think I shouldn't proceed with the idea as I would only embarrass myself even more, further preventing my chances of possibly getting a job in my career and taking from the little self-esteem I have shrinking by the millisecond. I think I'm getting to the point where I rather try and climb the ranks to $15 an hour in a minimum wage job I can care less in at the age of 30 and try to live on my own in a miserable environment I most likely can't get out of.

Tried YouTube
Had an idea to create compilations of great moments in VRChat, but after six long episodes, it never took off.

Tried hosting a Kickstarter for not only a game idea, but also to make a complete startup game company of my own. After eight months of development and a month of waiting, it wasn't successful. I'm not sure what could ensure the success of future crowdfundings if I had to do everything by myself again.

Communicating With The Spirit World Using Modern Technology

While doing research on “The Devil’s Bible” (Also known as the Codex Gigas. It's a historical and controversial book. It's not the satanic bible (I despise that stuff); I’ll put a link bellow), I discovered a device that grew my fascination with the spirit world and paranormal technology. I am still yet a skeptic and have yet to completely credit the existence of a spirit world. However, the device is called a “spirit box” and is used to communicate with spirits. While watching some videos, it seems evident that spirits communicating through the device are intelligent and intellectual and to an extent have the ability to communicate just as human do in the real world. I am also fascinated with another technology called an SLS Camera which can be used to capture energy anomalies by camera using color patterns and skeletal tracking. Watching the video seems to draw me closer to the idea that there can in fact exist a spiritual life and that it is as real as our physical reality. Watching the videos also raises questions on many subject regarding an objective reality, the conditions of the afterlife, and question not yet resolved on Earth. Furthermore, I think with the use of science and further technological advancements we can soon understand new realms of the objective reality and bring lights on the subject of spirituality and religion. Perhaps one day we can communicate with spirits clearly and effectively and incorporate such communications with everyday life.

Here is a link of the videos I watched; also feel free to subscribe to Youtube’s Huff Paranormal:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0NYpWlbCTw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjqiVEPn3GU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jlx7JCB_As
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCkq1yu-dJM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ga4uKRHqGoM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTv4tAoxqBU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ga4uKRHqGoM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSm6kGf_XU0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBmp_Ts3MI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGWJM9L8Wzs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7Yejis3INY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qSEi_sfaSU

Here's a link to the devil’s bible (I love to understand it one day if possible, I think such a read can prove interesting if not skeptically insightful):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLANwXrZmvw

Frugal Culture

I think it’s sad to have no choice but to work one’s entire life until retirement. There doesn’t seem to be any freedom in it. It’s as if a conveyor belt heading in one direction. Sure you get money, but what about the ability to feel free, feel like you have options, can always have the ability to get away with little to no money at all. Wouldn’t it be great to have no money and to pick up all your belongings and leave or to simply step away for a bit. Maybe it would be interesting to get away from the city for a long while until you feel you are ready to jump back into the work force. I think everyone should have options, even if they desire to be very frugal.

I think living frugally is the common starting point in most people’s lives. It seems obvious to get a job and to continue to work to try and keep a float and survive. But what happens when you get fed up, tired, and lose all hope of achieving one’s goals or even being successful. What if you don’t want to work anymore because life seems to put you at a disadvantage. Perhaps it has become a traumatizing emotional experience. Shouldn’t you always have the option to get away? Maybe living without expenses and frugally is all you need to get ahead in life or your mind cleared. For example: What if you could take the time to live frugally and learn new software or teach yourself a new skill. What if you discovered a passion and wanted to live for that passion and to one day share your works for the world? What if you wanted to improve yourself, recovering from the many years of people telling you you’re not good enough, or that you always need something, or need to be like someone else? I think people should always have that option to start life with little to no responsibilities and having the ability to save, build income, build responsibilities, have breathing space, and to do what will improve the quality of life with the precious and limited life one has on Earth. Who knows maybe living frugally or without cost could be the elixir to stop crime or poverty.

Moving on, I have come to the conclusion whenever people think of other people that live with little to no money or perhaps living off the grid, they might think of someone who’s a hippie, homeless, or generally strange. I think it sad to think so little of another even if they have a bizarre lifestyle or mindset. I think it would be cool if everyone who wanted to get away from the hassles of the city can do so at will with many options on where to stay for free or for minimal payment. Maybe it would diversify people. It would be wonderful and interesting if other people can meet with each other from different walks of life. There is always things people can learn from other people.

Because there’s a lack of places to stay free of expenses, a wild idea I had is maybe farmers could allow or even advertise people to stay and use their land free of charge. This can give people and farmers the ability to meet different people from different walks of life and immerse themselves in different lifestyles and cultures. It seems common how farmers and city people hate each other, maybe there is much they can learn from each other. I think it would be great for people to learn to respect each other and participate in out of the ordinary lifestyles. I would hope this can bring people closer together. Also referring to places to stay for free, I would also hope that there are special places, possibly permitted by the state where people could stay on a lot as long as they want free of charge. Maybe this could be an opportunity in a possible advancement in charity and humanitarianism.

In conclusion freedom should feel free, allow for costless living condition options, and overall allow people to live life to be happy. I believe a happy people leads to a prosperous and virtuous nation.  

Survival Inside A Modern Concentration Camp

Controversially I thought of myself in the position of a Jew in Nazi Germany's controlled concentration camps. What would I have done differently? Giving myself some time to think and to be critically honest with myself of what I would do inside a camp, I came up with possible solutions. It would seem obvious to conspire for a mass riot and jailbreak to use the mass to overrun the guards; however, this would more than likely be extremely difficult because of extreme use of prepared lethal force. The psychological undertone for such lethality in one's mind might seem to have such a force that would undoubtedly be extremely heavy as to defy an entire system. I don't think I could find it within myself to start such a plan unless many were to become physically involved. I propose a more psychological tactic aimed at the guards and maybe even the higher powers. I proposein devastating and desperate times the creation of culture is a good tool. I would create a culture within the confined areas to condition a new mindset of hope and purpose. To do this I would want a surrounding audience to become organized and define a secret hierarchy of those who are most important by their own talents. Then I would suggest the creation of original songs (and perhaps even codes to go with the songs or lyrics). However, it would be the music that would be used as a psychological weapon aimed primarily at guards. The objective is to create music without meaning but spoken in a way where the guards interpret their own meaning which conveys sadness and a sense of their own wrong doing. Since they know what they are doing is wrong, it should shake them psychologically. The more sad a song sounds, the more it will affect them psychologically. To make sad songs, I propose examining and utilizing content that often makes individuals feel the most emotionally heavy. Personally, I prefer songs from the masters of emotional chaos such as Dir en Grey. Their old song "Ain't afraid to die" has in my opinion a deep sad and rather dark meaning that makes the song even more emotionally intense. The more deeper the meaning of the lyrics, the greater the effect on the guards. If the guards get annoyed, then perhaps a suggestion of change of tactics. I propose timing is the best solution. After giving some time for the guards to calm down, I suggest humming the tunes instead. The effects I think will be even greater when in a group. In addition, perhaps songs could also be aimed at the subconscious as well. The utilization of lyrics can also be used as a code or message to convey a secret language or information to be used around the camp. Eventually when hierarchies fall and the burden of death becomes heavy, I suggest hitting the guards and the entire camp with the greatest emotional-psychological weapon. A choir of perfect harmony and scale. A great example is "Ghosts of Reach" from Halo 2's soundtrack. The more perfect, scaled, and loud the choir, the more I think it will shake the vary foundation of the psychological consciousness of the oppressors. It's also important to study and take analysis of what fails and what does not. Just because one is in captivity doesn't mean they can't stop from being scientifically productive. The progress and innovation of such psychological tactics may prove to be progress or successful if it effects the psychological well being of those who understand what they are truly doing. In essence, psychological conditioning should be fought psychologically because a concentration camp is not only an institution for those held captive, but for those who are also protecting it. Furthermore, another tactic for creating culture would be to make plays of favorite TV shows, games, and stories. The creation of culture and the ability to pull together as one (collective mindset) will be the greatest source of psychological and emotional survival. However, all this is for nothing if there is no utilization of personal ethics, social harmony, collectivism, and the ability to do what is moral in given circumstances. It's important to show the guards the good in people as people help each other. It is also part of a psychological tactic to make them feel more like the bad guys. Another way to do this is to use the military tactic of faking your condition when seen by guards to make them feel more like the bad guys. I think this is often used and perhaps may or may not be very effective to the suppressors. It's my own personal and perhaps controversial belief that maybe The Stanford prison experiment could have been a failure if a cell mate were to have or develop their own individualistic/ non-social set of ethics and to pull back into his or her own imaginative reality (another idea could be retracting from having a "western" mindset into a collective mindset and perhaps maybe even focusing on self-enlightenment). Another idea could have been perhaps if a group of cell mates were to created their own culture with each other through songs, traditions (and maybe even a tradition of having fun taunting the guards and possibly conditioning them to feel awful), and their own basic form of entertainment (such as physical or verbal story telling or active plays). Another idea could also be to willingly listen to ideas of hope of others and to imagine oneself free from their suppressors as a form of hope. Maybe another method could have been to psychologically tone out torturous external activities by the suppressors as if some kind of zombie-like work routine and focus instead on personal ethics, personal enlightenment, micro cultures, and friendships created by other cell mates. I think by changing one's mindset, one could adapt to their environments (metaphorically speaking, like a grain of salt being inserted into a water, where it becomes one with the water). A good example maybe important to remember is the idea that "this is what the system is doing to me, while I rather be doing something else instead." mindset. Lastly, going back to concentrations camps topic, I think it's entering the train or when in transit and being taken to a concentration camp that is very important to the beginning of psychological initialization. Since there is a lack of supervision in such trains, I believe this is a good time to experiment with psychological tactics such as singing a choir or collectively planning of an exiting tactical ambush, takeover, or a discrete escape and evasion maneuver. The more organized, the more utilization of strategy, the learning of talents, the raise in intelligence, the search for solutions, the use analysis, and the ability to carry out psychological warfare without being harmed, the more of a chance of survival or re-institutionalization of oppressing powers and ability for one to increase their chances of survival in a modern concentration camp. I'd like to believe it's not just the numbers of people that can make a mass of people dangerous but the number of highly intellectual minds constantly organized, planning, and utilizing unseen strategic and functional scientific systems. If the soldiers are conditioned to be psychologically perfect than it seem obvious the battle can be taken on psychologically. Overall I think the more a person prepares and plans for a situation, the more they are prepared if it ever comes. Nonetheless, these are my thoughts on what I would do if I were a Jew going to or were inside one of Nazi Germany's concentration camps.


Ain't Afraid to Die by Dir en Grey:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7emCZCSmuxA
(Don't mind the artistic creepy dark visual kei look, it's a Japanese subculture aesthetic without an objective meaning)